Worse than death
by sammygirl17
Summary: After the conversation between Sam and Dean at the end of 9 13, what was Sam thinking? what are his feelings towards being possessed by Gadreel and why did he tell dean that, same circumstances, he wouldn't do the same for him. An incite into what was going through his head. angst!sam *Complete*


**Alright, so I wrote this story addressing something the really pissed me off. Sam got a lot of hate after his conversation with dean at the end of the season 9 episode 13 'the purge' (sorry to get side-tracked, but how hot is Sam in his little sporty tang top *dreamy sounds*). I think people took what he said and completely spined it around, trying to make it look like Sam don't care as much about dean, and that he wouldn't protect him. Sorry but I think that's (excuse my language) bullsh*t! So, this is what I think was going through Sam's head at the time and his opinion about the whole situation. This is not going to be a Dean bashing story, so Dean lovers don't be afraid to read xx**

 **Without further ado… here it is!**

Worse than death

If other people found out, they would say I should be grateful, that he saved my life, and that I'm overreacting, just making a big deal right? But they don't understand, just like he didn't. And that's the thing really isn't it, he just didn't understand, because if he did, he wouldn't have done it.

He doesn't know what it's like, he's never been in a situation like this before, I have, too many times. Being possessed by Meg, Lucifer, walking around without a soul while it was being tortured in hell and now Gadreel. I mean, I've been _not_ me as much as I've been me, well, that's what it feels like anyway. I know what it's like to know you've done things, horrible things, and I had no idea. It was my body, _my body_ doing all of those things yet I had no control over what I was doing, 'lights are on but nobody's home' kind of thing.

I wake up in the middle of the night, seeing my hands killing Kevin, the blood is on _my_ hands, and I couldn't do anything to stop it. Dean said it was his fault, that Kevin's death was on him and that he will be the one burning for it, but that doesn't change the nightmares. The horrific images of my body putting a hand on his forehead, burning his eyes out, killing him painfully. I can hear Dean in my dream too, yelling at me to stop, but I can't, I'm not in control of my body, someone else is driving my meat suit, using me as a vessel to hurt others…. Again.

There are many times I _should_ have died. Like Cold Oak, in Deans arms, that would have been a good way to go actually, my big brothers face being the last thing I see before I drift off for good. Then there was that time those two hunters came and shot me, followed by Dean. We went to heaven. HEAVEN for god sake! That's something to be celebrated, we shouldn't have left, sometimes I think it would have been better if we had stayed up there, spending the rest of our existence in peace rather than misery. Then there was that night at the church. Dying to close the gates of hell, which would have been the best way to go, that way my death actually meant something. I still can't believe I let myself get talked out of it. But the worst was right after that, in a coma in the hospital. I was _ready_ to die then, I _should_ have died then. Just to think about all of the horrible things that could have been avoided if he had just let me go, any of those times. The amount of times I have died and come back, it's kind of funny, you wouldn't think one would be able to survive so many. Sometimes I think the universe just wants me dead, but apparently, the universe is not match for Dean Winchester.

So he stood in front of me, looked me right in the eyes and deceived me, and then lied straight to my face about it for weeks! I knew something wasn't right, the gaps in memory, getting hurt and then waking up with no injury at all, it all just seemed too bizarre, too convenient, too good to be true. I trusted him though, I never thought he'd do something like this to me, after everything I've been through, he knew how much this would hurt me. With our lifestyle, what we do every single day, everything is so unexpected and there is no way to know what would happen next, no way to decide your own fate. He took away the control I had over the one thing in my life that I could ever actually rule, my own body. I was a vessel, something I never wanted to be again. Everything I've done since Gadreel has possessed me, I remember it all now and it haunts me every minute of every day. Working for Metatron, killing people, innocent people. They didn't deserve to die, if I was dead, they would still be alive.

I do more bad then good half of the time, sometimes I think the world would be better off if I wasn't in it. How much could have been avoided if I had died, or better yet, if I was never born in the first place. I can imagine Dean, getting a normal childhood, growing up in a happy home with mum and dad by his side. Maybe he would have gone to college, or gotten married, or both. If I was never born he could have had the life I always wanted, and deep down, I know he wanted as well.

I just screw everything up, I try make the good choice, the right choice, but you know what they say, 'the road to hell is one paved with good intentions'. And for me, I mean it quite literally. So I ask him, Dean, what is the upside of me being alive? He says that it's us two, fighting the good fight together. That's not it though, I know my big brother better than anyone and can see right through him. The real reason was that he was afraid to let me go, he didn't want to be alone. It's just like when he came and got me from Stanford, he could have gone it alone, but he just didn't want to, he couldn't stand the thought of being by himself.

I had a deal with death, sitting on the couch in that cabin, 'this time it will be final. if I'm dead, I stay dead. Nobody can reverse it, nobody can deal it away... and nobody else can get hurt because of me.' It was perfect….. And now it's ruined.

And then we come full circle to why he did it. He doesn't understand, he doesn't know what it's like to be possessed, to be someone else's vessel, trapped inside your own mind, the complete loss of precious, sweet, control. So when he says that under the same circumstances I would do the same to him, to save his life, I said no. He had a look of hurt on his face at the comment, like I stabbed him in the back. He might not understand, but I do, and I know better. I would never do that to him, because what he did to me, in order to save my life, it was worse than death.

 **So that's that!**

 **What did you guys think? Did you agree with my interpretation of the situation and what Sam was thinking, or do you think I was completely off? Either way, post a review to tell me!**

 **Also, if you like this story, there's plenty more where that came from, so you can go and check out some of my other fanfiction!**

 **Till next time…**

 **-Mika xxx**


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